If it’s storming while I’m driving to work, I might cry because even being a passenger in a car in the rain or a storm bothers the heck out of me ever since Rita died. I’m better than I used to be, but it still makes me really anxious. So hopefully it will stop for the like 15 minutes I’m driving to work in like a little more than an hour.

I’ve said it many times before, and I’m saying it again.
Tonight was our band banquet. It was SO FUN! And I barely cried, only when our booster president (aka my one of my best friend’s mom) cried a little and then when I gave our director a hug and he was saying such nice things. But anyway.
It was storming (and still is, actually). They announce all the members of each class and each class gets a different “award”. (There’s a point to this story, I promise).
Anyway, Rita’s sister’s name was called (they’re triplets, two girls and one boy but he wasn’t involved in band) and when her name was called, it started thundering. My friend Katie and I looked at each other and she said “that’s Rita.” I was thinking the exact same thing.
That thunder was definitely not a coincidence. That was her letting us know she’s still with us. It thundered all night, and I have no doubt it was (and is) her.
I still miss you, babygirl.

You’d probably be confused if you didn’t know the reason.
It’s because I didn’t know how to do it until spring of sophomore year when Rita taught me. Someone played music off their iPod on speakers at the end of the band banquet that year, and it happened to come on. Rita, who I’d recently become fairly good friends with, asked why I wasn’t dancing and when I told her I didn’t know how to do the Cupid Shuffle, pulled me to the “dance floor” and taught me.
I still wouldn’t know today if she hadn’t, and it’s not like it’s a big deal, but it mattered to me and has come to be a cherished memory of her. I’ve even paid it forward in a way by teaching another person or two how to do it since she passed away.
That’s why I will always do that dance no matter what. Because when I do, it feels like she’s there too. Especially tonight at Senior Dinner when the dj played it. It was like an energy shift in the room. She was there with us. I could feel it. Because even though she’s not physically present with us anymore, she’s still a graduating senior. She’s with all of us who knew her.
Want to learn the Cupid Shuffle? I’ll be glad to teach you.

The first picture is of Rita and I. As far as I know, it’s the only one of us. I took it the day of our last competition my junior year. It got crazily snowed out, and I went around and took a bunch of pictures. I know I took it for the reason that it would be special to me later, I just didn’t know at the time that was why I felt the desire to take it. Isn’t she beautiful?
Then there’s my balloon from this year with a message for her to read in heaven, people waiting with their balloons (there were a lot of people and a lot of balloons), and then some of the balloons as they flew away towards heaven for her to read.
The last one is of the beautiful sunset as I was about to leave. It was her smiling at all of us, and I knew I had to take a picture of it.
So yeah. That was my evening (and I didn’t cry until I left and was driving home).

Time to go to her balloon release.
Hopefully i won’t cry.

My second Rita Bracelet, the one I’ve been wearing since my first one broke in the fall (even though I took it off like a month ago because of work, but I’m putting it on again). Hopefully I won’t cry, or at least not too much

A year to the day. Almost to the hour and minute, that we got the call saying Rita had died.
So much has changed since then. In reality, everything changed in the very second my dad said her name as he talked on the phone and I stood awaiting an answer to the horrible question of “who?”
Everything that had not come crashing down already did that day, and all at once, in a single moment.
I can’t explain what kind of person Rita was. She was amazing. And no, I’m not going to lie and tell you she was my best friend, or that I never got frustrated and always liked her. But what I will tell you is that in less than two years, she did become my valued friend. I loved seeing her every day on the way to one of my classes. She always waved and said hi with a big grin so that was impossible not to grin back. We had each held each other while the other cried at some point or another (even multiple times). She was hilarious, kind, passionate, and….amazing. She was beautiful. Everyone loved her.
I know that I am so lucky and fortunate to have been able to call myself her friend. I will never forget her. She’s my guardian angel. And especially on this day, I will try to think about the good, happy memories instead of the terrible sadness and loss her death brought, and I will smile at her memory.
Rest in peace, baby girl. I miss you and love you, Rita.

This is me casually pretending I’m fine with the fact that tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day Rita died.
Sorry to anyone who reads my blog tomorrow….it will probably not be happy for most, if not all, of the day. But I don’t want to make it all depressing yet.
It just sort of hit me a few minutes ago, and I can’t bring myself to go back downstairs to watch this week’s new episode of The Following. That can wait for another day.
Okay, I’m just going to say it….I miss her. A lot.
And I can’t believe it’s been a year.

Rita and Mike (the other kid who passed away this year) got most Memorable.

Well it was a really bad accident.
A guy I went to school with and have known for about thirteen years, since preschool, was killed in a car accident, and I believe one other person was as well. The person who was driving the car with the kid who died went to shock trauma and he’s doing okay, stable and functioning and such (as far as I know).
I was never close with the kid-his name is Mike. I’ve known him for years though. And although I haven’t talked to him for at least two years, it still hurt and was a shock to hear I’d never see his smiling face in the hallway again.
He left behind three brothers, one older and two younger. He played tennis and swam. He was so funny and always nice to everyone. I hated him in preschool when boys were gross and had cooties, but eventually, I grew to tolerate and even like him as time went on. He was never someone I thought much about once high school started unless someone brought him up, but I never imagined never seeing him again.
This brought up so many memories of what happened with Rita. I’m kind of ashamed to admit that’s at least half of the reason I was upset today. It’s scary. And I miss her. Maybe if she was still here, I would have been able to convince her to audition for Jersey Surf with me this weekend. I know she’ll be with me when I’m there though.
Please, do me a favor. I’ve asked this before, but I’m asking again.
Please tell someone you love them. Let all of your friends and family know how much they mean to you. DO NOT take anyone for granted. Ever. Thank God for all of your blessings, and take a deep breath…..realize how happy and lucky you are to be alive. And tomorrow, look around. Memorize the face of the person you always see walking in the hallway or around campus or at work. You may never see them again.
Don’t go to sleep or leave angry at someone. Apologize. Forgive, or you may never have the chance to.
Please pray for Mike and his family, and for Nick and his family.

Sometimes, something just randomly reminds me of Rita, and I just automatically almost start to cry. Sometimes, I can’t stop myself. Like that thing I just reblogged…..”Love the people God gave you, because one day, he will need them back.”
It’s so true.
Rita, I miss you, girl. It’s been four months and one day, and it still hurts so much. I miss you. But I keep seeing butterflies, and I know you’re here with me. Thanks for sticking around, beautiful angel. We still need you, babygirl.

Every time I see a butterfly anywhere, even in pictures, I know it’s Rita.
Sometimes, I think about how much i’ve lost, and then how remarkable it is that I’m here, and I’m okay. Not great or perfect or fantastic like I was, but I’m okay.
I miss you, Rita.

Apparently I can’t even handle reading about car accidents without tearing up. I wonder if I’ll ever get over it.
Of course, it just makes me think of Rita. She’s been gone for almost exactly four months now, and I still miss her a lot. We all do. And I think about her all the time still.
I think losing a friend is something that you never really get over. So I guess I don’t think I will. Maybe eventually car accident references won’t make me cry though. That would be nice, because it’s kind of embarrassing.

Today is Rita’s birthday (well, hers and her brother and sister….she’s a triplet). I know she’s having a party up in heaven all day, as well as spending the day with her family down here.

Everyone misses her so much. We talked about her last night while I was having my dress fitted and such. But I know she’s still here with all of us.

As tough as it is sometimes, she doesn’t want us to cry too many tears over her. She just wants us to be happy, and to go through life by our sides, knowing she is always with us, our beautiful guardian angel.

I’m posting this to say…..happy birthday to beautiful Rita, as well as to her awesome siblings. <3

I was just writing on Rita’s wall on Facebook to tell her I miss her and stuff (it feels good to do that, even though I do talk to her anyway. It’s the first time since she died that I’ve written on her wall). (And no, talking to her does not make me crazy).

Anyway, as I was writing, it all sort of hit me again, and I almost started crying, because I realized the orchestra concert is tomorrow. A concert she should be playing in, but cannot. I know she’ll be watching though.

I had almost decided against going tomorrow, but then changed my mind, all because of that little thing: writing on her Facebook wall. Which seems stupid if you’re a mean person who doesn’t know what it’s like to lose a friend. I feel like I just NEED to be there tomorrow at the concert, so hopefully, I can be. And I’ll probably cry, but that just kind of happens.

I miss her. Sometimes, it hits hard how much I miss her. Because if she was here, I’d be telling her these stories from my life, and she’d probably be laughing at how funny some of them are. She’d be excited for me because of Sean, and would probably want to meet him. We’d be section leaders together, two senior ladies leading high brass. But she’s not here, so none of that is happening.

When it starts to feel more rough though, I think about how lucky I am to have known and been friends with her. How God really must have pushed me to take a picture of the two of us on the day of the last marching band competition, the one that got snowed out. It’s the only picture of us, and it’s my profile picture on Facebook (we were friends and we talked, but we weren’t THAT close. We weren’t best friends or anything, although she made everyone who talked to her feel like they were). Anyway, I know now that I took that for a reason.

I let the sharpie of her name that was on my wrist wash off a couple weeks ago, but I’m still wearing the RIP RITA bracelet my lovely friend Katy made. That’s not coming off any time soon. And I know she’s with me, even now.

Plus, and call me crazy but I swear to you it’s true, when I’m playing trumpet and I’m running out of breath or my lips are getting shot and I don’t think I can play a high note, all of a sudden, it feels like I still have a ton of air, and my lips are fine. I know it’s her, playing with me. It makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes, because I swear to you, it’s her. And you might not believe in God or angels, but I do.

I have a beautiful guardian angel named Rita.